Home Front Warriors

Nothing prepares you to be a home front warrior. There is no boot camp, class or seminar to take. You are just thrown into it. Your heart muscle is not prepared for the stress it will carry. Your legs are not strengthened for the weight it must bear. And your mind is not trained to not think on the worse case scenario. One feels vulnerable and exposed. It is a sink or swim battle. You feel guilty for feeling all these emotions because your son, daughter of spouse is actually in harms way. Then you feel helpless because you can’t get to them if they need you.  The first deployment is the worst in my opinion because you face every unknown all at once. It is a flood of fear.

When the phone rang at our house and it was an unknown number, I ran over any and everybody to answer. It could be Cody or Ryley who were both deployed in Afghanistan. Just a two minute phone call could settle my heart for at least 24 hours. I never felt such pride and fear at the same time.

 I hated watching the news and it wore on me, hearing of yet another young person killed in action. I tired of people feeling the need to share with me “news” of the war and all that entailed. I had ways of dodging these informants. I would be late for church and swiftly leave during the closing prayer. I was a pro at subject change and when the hint wasn’t caught, I would excuse myself to the restroom. Mission accomplished: The distraction worked and I was able to dodge anther conversation about the war.  

That being said, I am a patriot. I love our country, our freedom and the history of our beloved land.My family tree is filled with verterans and it swells my heart.  I am grateful for those past and present who have fought and died to give me the right to write what is on my heart. I am eternally grateful for the heroes who have laid down their lives so I can freely give mine to Christ. And my heart is awakened to those who unwillingly sacrificed their sons and daughters for our nation. Their tears that fell are as precious as the lives that were cut short. A heartache that will never heal, just a void you learn to exists with.  I can’t help but ponder on the loved ones that live life on the home front with the forever absence of their precious family. No wonder our statue of Liberty is a woman. Only a mother could stand on the shores, rain or shine, sunny days or stormy nights declaring. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free …Well Lady Liberty, there are an awful lot of weary people right here on your shores needing to feel refreshed. 

The beginning of a long journey

“Mrs., Ruddock?” “Yes” I said with hesitation. “We would like to admit your son to a neurological rehabilitation hospital.” I sat in the archaic army hospital chair trying to soak it all in. “Why God? How can this be happening? What are we doing here?” were all questions floating through my head. But let me back this up a bit:

 Ryley, our middle son, enlisted in the army October, 2009. Cody, our oldest, returned from Bible College and joined August 2010 and by April 2011 both were deployed to Afghanistan. My heart felt the wait of worry for both my sons placed in harms way. When others mothers tried to comfort me and relate they would say things like, “I know how you feel, my son left for college and I worry about him all the time. I miss him. I cried when I dropped him off. I cried the whole drive home.” I would stand there blinking like a cartoon. In fact, I think you could hear the “Blink Blink” in my confused look. I wanted to yell at them and say things like, “Really?! Is your son at college being hunted? Is he trained to be keenly aware of IED’s (improvised explosion devices)? Do you drive home after work terrified to see a government vehicle in your drive way?” Instead, I would thank them for their prayers, and stuff my fear deep within.

One of the biggest heartaches I had, was feeling completely alone and being misunderstood or not understood at all.

 My nights were filled with crying out to God for our boys, for protection, angels to guard them, preserve them, keep them from harms way. Come July, I began to have horrible nightmares about Ryley being shot, injured or killed. I began to withdraw from my friends and just anchor deep to God and share my hearts cry with my husband and family.

 Even family had a hard time wrapping their minds around my giant fear and worries. Holly, you just got to trust God. They’re gonna be ok. God won’t let anything happen to them…But He did. God did allow something bad to happen. He did allow one to be hurt. He did allow danger to fall. I didn’t know how I was going to get through. I didn’t know how to live with this new Ryley. I didn’t know if I could walk this road God was asking me travel. One thing I did know though, God was for us.

 Whatever I had to face I would face it. I would confront the unknown, look darkness in the eye, charge toward my fears and go toe to toe with the US Army. This is our story of all the in-between: the injury, rehabilitation, anger, fear, little battles and big victories, healing, peace, a new life and a second chance. God did allow something awful to happen, but He also allowed the miracles to get us through.